I've decided to come back to this blog, despite a year of frustration and "falling off the wagon" repeatedly. The baking that I had decided to give up was needed for an occasion last fall, and the remnants were mine to bring home. Big mistake. Tiny carrot cupcakes with cream cheese icing were only the beginning. The Christmas season hit, and my family gathered in Portland. I addressed these days with creating as many of our traditional favorite cookies as I could--ostensibly for giving and sharing with Neil, Eric, and Anne. My hand was in the cookie jar more often than their hands, I think.
The long winter set in with guilt for my weight gain and the isolation that winter in Maine (with mostly on-line courses) can bring. My partner in abstinence, my sister, also succumbed to the darkness. We failed to encourage each other. Winter didn't end. I reached a bottom of despair with a duration unlike any I had previously known. Despite my physician visits and counseling, relief was long in coming. I think I missed much of Spring and Summer. It took me until August to find a medication that helped me return to a level of my normal self.
So why continue with this blog? Was my 8 months of easy abstinence just evidence of Bipolar 2 behavior? One of the most important things I learned this year was that God is still present, even in our times of darkness. I felt disconnected from Him, but I kept crying out the way the psalmists and prophets did. I prayed their songs of despair that ended with praise. I cried with frustration. I sought help both from God and my community. I developed a faithfulness to reading and prayer that has finally born a tiny bit of fruit in creativity and understanding. I have faith and hope.
